Transparent Tuesday: Dating

Dating in the 21st century feels like a joke to me. As I recount and share the proceeding information, please make note this is not a worldwide generalization; however, it is a generalization of my collection of experiences I have had in the dating world.

Dating in the 21st century feels like a joke. People choose not to communicate or maybe they don’t know how to communicate and choose not to learn. Either way, communication feels like a huge problem.

Ghosting is an accepted and appropriate form of communication. People flirt and exchange numbers purposelessly. People seem to be more interested in how quickly they can connect sexually than mentally and emotionally. Chivalry seems dead and pursuit is a curse word. The only hunger that remains present is the hunger for microwavable meals. Forget the days of time spent marinading the food, using an oven, using the stove, using the slow cooker, or even using the pressure cooker. Fast Food Drive-thru or Uber Eats that’s the now preferred way. I suppose you could also include sit-down restaurants too; anything that involves convenience.

Reading this some may say dang you seem bitter. Others might say and have said when having such discussions you’re just “different, unique, in a different caliber.” Followed by, “you will see it will all be worth the wait.” Somebody take a picture when we arrive. LOL. But for real, take a picture so I can be reminded!

I would say: Dating in the 21st century feels like a joke. I’m over the games of the 21st century dating world. Bitter would be an extreme description. If meeting someone, taking time to get to know them, going on dates, and ultimately determining if there is compatibility is wrong, I’ll for sure be staying a Wright.

I have heard the talk of women being too successful, too self-reliant, and too educated. Are men really intimidated by these qualities? For real, I really want to know. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that some men are intimidated or bothered by someone who chose to live life, create life, and establish a foundation in the interim of meeting someone. What on God’s green Earth is wrong with that? Somebody please help me understand! Seriously.

My questions are so what are women supposed to be doing while they aren’t dating or married? Are they supposed to be waiting on that man to arrive? (Ready and geared to dump all the pressure on him to provide and carry the weight of my life commands and demands?) *insert puzzled face* Are women supposed to be cautious of how ambitious they become? Are we supposed to play ourselves small and wait to cultivate a life when we have a partner? For the life of me, I don’t think I’ll ever understand a yes to any of the aforementioned questions.

I’ve heard men like to be pursued too. Men want to know they are wanted too. Things have changed, what’s wrong with a man being proposed to, what’s wrong with a woman asking a guy out on a date, what’s wrong with a woman taking the lead, and several other questions.

My suggestion: Do what works for you just know it has to be what works for you; otherwise, you’ll be living someone else’s life.

About two and a half months ago, I met this guy at a kickback. We spent the evening together joking, laughing, talking, and getting to know one another. When the clock struck 10 pm, I prepared to go. I’m an early night crawler (I know, I know). However, I’m an early sunriser. There’s something really satisfying about waking with the birds and watching the sunrise as night becomes dawn!

I digress, he inquired what’s the rush and asked me to stay a little while longer. I did and as the hours unraveled we begun to joke about our first date being really long – nearly 12 hours by the time we said good night to friends and each other.

As we he opened my car door, he asked if he could see my phone and placed his number in my phone and proceeded to call his number from my phone. We shared sentiments of anticipating to see each other again soon. We made sure one another got home safely and said we’d speak again soon. The following day we chatted for a bit. He had plans to go out of town to spend time with friends and stop by to see his 12-year-old daughter. The weekend hours drifted away and texts were intermittent. I didn’t think much of it since I knew he was traveling and visiting with loved ones.

As the beginning of the work week crept in and started to pass by, I reached out and the conversation felt short and meaningless. I backed off for a bit and then gave a call. He joked about me being a stranger, I assured I’d not been a stranger at all. He inquired if he could take me out on a date bowling, out to eat or some other place. I expressed interest and he said he would call back after finishing up errands.

There was no returned call and before I knew it, the Daddy book event was in just a few days; which I was very excited, nervous, and anticipating. Since he’d made a few jokes about being in the hot seat when we first met, I took a leap of vulnerability and shared information about the event and sent an invite. My text went without acknowledgement.

Days, weeks, and months went by and I thought I’d give it one more attempt. Simply since I’d observed the fear or should I say discomfort in his disposition and eyes when I shared I had a MSW degree in response to one of his questions. I gave him a call and it was clear he no longer had my number saved. I shared I was calling to ask him out on a date, but based on that realization it was pointless. He offered if he could take me out and joked about romantic ideas that came to mind. We laughed for a bit – something that came natural when we interacted.

The date never happened. Ghosted is the accepted norm in the 21st century world of dating. The dating world in the 21st century feels like a joke. I’m literally smiling and chuckling as I’m typing that phenomenon. It really does feel like a joke. Those who know me know I went on the ledge several times in this situation. So, to me it doesn’t matter if you pursue a guy, be open to being flexible with preferred criteria, be a listening ear or show compassion. All that matters is when it’s meant to be it will be.

I share this for multiple reasons, people ask me all the time why I’m single, if I’m still single, and don’t I want to get married. The latter two answers are yes. The answer to the initial question is the dating scene has became so complex and compounded with more than I can fit into this blog; so there’s that.

The other reason I share it is it doesn’t always feel good when people ask me if I’m still single. Especially if there is a follow-up with maybe you should change or try x,y,z. Trust I’ve considered and trust I’ve even considered maybe it’s me. That specific consideration came after two former high school individuals (friends, exes, classmates – whatever you’d like to call them) who knew me well admitted to mistreating me just because it was me. WHAT the FUDGE, right?! Madness. LOL! My kindness is not a weakness and it took a lot of work to get here. It shall not be taken for granted. Duly noted guys. *SMH – hope your daughters dont reap what you’ve sown!*

In one facet being single is a choice, in other ways I don’t know that it is a choice; however, I can say I simply haven’t met a compatible partner. I’m disinterested in being in a relationship just to be in one, just to say I have somebody I’m dating, or just so that I’m not spending time alone or experiencing loneliness. *kanye shrugg*

Lower your standards I’ve heard, do you really think at your age finding a man who is God-fearing, without children, and will consider tabling premarital sex is realistic comments I often hear.

To be honest, I’m not sure. However, what I do know is my value. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. I mean I know the value that I carry of being a God-fearing woman, being a down-to-earth and cool person to be around. I recognize and appreciate my loyalty and ability to cook tasteful food. I respect that I have an impeccable work ethic, I have a good heart and several other factors. Lastly, but mainly firstly, I know that I truly enjoy hanging out with me! So, with all of that there’s hope that there’s someone just as cool, charming, charismatic, God-fearing, and enjoyable to be around that I just haven’t met yet (perhaps for timing purposes). So, until then I’ll keep dating myself (which has its disadvantages too).

Are you single? Do you have thoughts, opinions, or judgements about singleness in the 21st century or 2020 (which I didn’t even get to – perhaps there will be a part 2 and I’ll call it the other side).

Let me know in the comments. I’m interested in other perspectives.

4 thoughts on “Transparent Tuesday: Dating

  1. Hunty!!! I will not write a book in response to this blog BUT, dating back is absolutely nerve-wrecking today! I’ve been single for nearly 3 yrs and the one man who approached to ask for my number was still legally married! The next man to try to pursue me is also married! So I decided to try dating sites. More foolishness! The guys don’t want to get to know you via the site. They want your number immediately and want to see you in person just as quick. My most recent experience was a guy, who said he would take things at my pace, yet proceeded to try to rush me to get on his page. He was so busy trying to rush me over to his house that he made the 3wk experience totally toxic, eventually insulting my character because I was met doing what he wanted me to do. Some of his other faults was he was arrogant, wanted me to be impressed that he has his own place and car (he’s 48 yrs old!), and he was obviously insecure because I have a master’s degree and have written a couple of books. He said on multiple occasions that I wasn’t messing with a dummy. I could go on but I said I wasn’t going to write a book. Enjoying my own company, friends and family, nurturing my craft are my priority. I deal with these “men” when it suits me.

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    1. LOL! After I wrote the blog, I said, “Dang, it’s super long!” I was doubtful people would actually read it because of it’s length but I still had to hit that publish button. A few of my friends have attempted to get me on the dating sites, but I just haven’t been open to it.

      48 years old and looking for a cheerleading squad to celebrate having a place and car – um excuse me?!

      Thanks for reading and responding!

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  2. People can be so dim.

    My 28-year-old daughter has been married for seven years and has no children. She and her husband are questioned constantly about children and what are they waiting for. They have even been called selfish for not having children. What dimwits don’t know is the pain and disappointment miscarriages have put them through

    As for dating, I have no plans to date ANYONE any time soon, but widowhood brings out the skeevers quick, fast, and in a hurry. The consensus seems to be widows are desperate and won’t say no.

    Whatever.

    The flipside of that is some of the women in my widow groups seem determined to date. We all grieve in different ways and for different amounts of time, but one woman moved a man into her home eight weeks after losing her husband because she couldn’t handle being alone. And she admits he drinks too much.

    Wait, what?

    People just appear to be more selfish and self-centered. From what I’ve seen, no one wants to invest the time to build a friendship–or spend money–but instead look for hookups, booty calls, and friends with benefits.

    A 35-year marriage to a good man spoiled me and I don’t envy younger women and men today. There are far too many frogs to wade through to get to “the one.” But kudos to you for remaining true to yourself. 🙂

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    1. Yes, learning myself, my flaws, how experiences have shaped my way of thinking and living, all while balancing what I desire to have in a significant other can be a lot at times; however, I’m grateful I’ve learned the importance of it. I don’t think men or trash or people are for that matter and I hope that wasn’t the message or tone of my post. Our world looks different than I’d imagined as a kid. The music produced, the media displayed, the generational gap and generational differences are all attributing key factors to the manifestations of lives lived. It’s quite heartbreaking to watch and I hope before my head permanently lays to rest I’ll get to see some world peace in the land of the living. I hope that unity, compassion, and understanding is just around the corner.

      Praying for your daughter and son-in-law and always keep you listed.

      Thanks for engaging. Maybe one day we’ll get to hear about your love story, how you met, your favorite date, and a few of the trimmings of your marriage. Sounds like it was a great journey! 💜

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